Just thought I’d share with you the entry that I wrote in my own journal today. It’s a bit long…here goes.

Maybe it’s worth it to spend some time writing about this weekend. It’s been very overwhelming.

First of all, OMG FLOOR-RINSE CONGRATS. This series of events is definitely not in chronological order, but I need to get this out first. It’s finally happening. Serious OMG. It feels normal but a bit unreal if I really think into it. Need time to digest.

So Saturday night, fellowship. Fellowship means so much to me now that it’s impossible to not invest emotion into this group of people that I’ve come to LOVE. Sometimes I care so much about fellowship that I run the risk of making it a burden, because I want everything to work out perfectly. Then I forget that God is at work within the group and I get stressed out when drama happens. Regardless, I am willing to pour out my energy for each and every person in the group because they all mean so much to me, and I will continue to do so even in Belgium.

Three new friends joined on Saturday night, and one of them is from Scarborough! It made me feel like I was seeing myself from last year, and I was thankful that God brought her to us. Second thing this weekend…they did the “surprise” thing for my birthday which was ironically expected. I was actually unsure about it but the moment Xinning ran into the kitchen, I knew. I was super touched even though the cake thing was not planned, and I wished that I would have had more time to give thanks to every person that was present (and there were a lot that night including some long lost friends!) but I kept it short and sent out my blessings from the heart. It did make me feel very warm and loved, and I am truly grateful.

What made the night truly “overwhelming” were the conversations that happened on the way back home. The first serious one was with Fu Hua and Huiru about the topic of relationships and marriage that’s clearly been on their minds as much as it’s been on mine. The second conversation took place at the tram stop as I waited with Zhu Shan, and she shared with me some insights that she gained in life and her feelings towards change.

Now, I’m not going to go into all the specifics of the two conversations, but they provoked a lot of thought that night. My head was literally spinning after I got home and I couldn’t stop thinking. I had to dump it all out on Jinlong ’cause I just needed to TELL someone that my mind was heavy. I just wasn’t sure about the future anymore, and I felt that there was still so much to learn from everyone around me, so much that it made me feel so tiny, so useless. I don’t know, I couldn’t explain it very well, even to Jinlong, and I told him that “I just felt overwhelmed and need prayers”. He’s been a tremendous spiritual support from the beginning and I was so glad he was there to just listen and take in my rant. Thanks again and again.

And then small things provoked jealousy in my heart and I was ready to stab my heart for such stupidity and such ignorance that dared sprout inside. Forgive me, God, forgive me. I think I was bothered that night by that one thing as well and it was the most unreasonable thing that I’ve felt for a long time. Stupid me. Stupid stupid me.

Mariel came yesterday and it was great seeing her again after Portugal, though unfortunately I can’t host her the entire week because LS is coming again today…yay! So much to do this week, but I expected it to be like the last time I left for Belgium: busy before, calm after. Oh, and I still want to have a nice chat again with Andy before I leave. The chat last week was great, but I can never get enough of talks with Andy.

Lots of names thrown into this entry, extremely disorganized, just like my thoughts that need to be reorganized.

Oh, one more thing I needed to mention. That voice. It kills me every time, but so sweet. I didn’t expect the call yesterday but I was so happy. He sounded happy too, though he was wandering, and I hope he is alright. Teasing him and goading him to follow me back home…is that a sort of 幸災樂禍? I don’t know, but I miss him so much that I’m willing to make that trip to go see him in November even though probably nothing good will come out of it. Where is this leading?