The bible tells us to be joyful through trials, persevere through difficulties, praise God under every circumstance, don’t be anxious, and the list goes on and on forever. I use to think I was really good at doing that, at counting my blessings, at praising God, at clinging onto hope and believing that God will deliver me through. That God will provide.

For the first time, in a long time I think, I finally can’t (or don’t want to) do that anymore.

These days, I’ve felt so down (spiritually, and in every other sense of the word). A really long and heavy sigh would be a good descriptor for my mood, mixed with a tinge of frustration, envy-ness and an overall sense of  “This will never happen.”

I know that God HAS blessed me with a lot in my life, but I have no strength in me to be the encouraging and optimistic one in the relationship between Darwin and I. No, I want to sit down and just rant like a cry baby, just complain and bitch about all the unfair-ness in life, and ask God a huge “WHY? WHY are you doing this? WHY are you not providing like you said you would, can you NOT see that we are so DESPERATE?” I feel like we cry out, in frustration, in desperation, in need, and nothing is done for us.

Yeah, God might hear our prayers, but what is he DOING about it? Is he DOING anything about it? I know people might tell me “well this is where faith comes in, see you have to BELIEVE that he WILL do something, and just trust him that it’s going to work out. Remember, the bible says don’t be anxious, just keep praying until something happens!!” Yeah yeah, I know all of that. It’s all in my head, I remember sermons, I remember bible verses, but my heart is FILLED with bitterness, anxiety, impatience, and worst of all – envy.

You might ask, what’s there to envy? There’s so many out there worse than you, stop complaining! Yes, but there are many MORE in a better position than me. The most frustrating? Efforts put in to rewards received does not seem to be a linear relationship at all. I guess I am mostly frustrated for Darwin, and his job search and how nothing is coming up. We’ve made plans for the future, we’ve adjusted those plans, we’ve gone through periods of hopelesness to hopefulness, we’ve believed and put our faith in God. He is a dedicated Christian, he serves God wholeheartedly, he dumps so much time into doing treasury for the church that it eats into time for job hunting. What does he get in return? Nothing. Does he get what he needs? No.

Joseph (remember Darwins’ friend who just got married and is having their first kid), now got an offer from another job, a $10k salary increase AND it’s closer to home. I just think – WTF, why don’t those things happen to Darwin, or me?? Why does life seem to be so unfair, some ppl get all the sweet points, and we are stuck with all the hardships. At the end of the day, they’ll get to enjoy life more than us, probably be better off in the long run, live in a nicer house, drive in a nicer car, go on vacations and do things we may never have the opportunity to.

Is it true? The more you dedicate your life to God, the crappier it becomes??? A lot of verses from the book of James comes to mind when I feel like this. But now, more than ever, I am FRUSTRATED at even just reading the bible.

I have no idea why our paths seem so hard, so difficult compared to other couples. I know I’m bitter and jealous right now, because when I heard about Joseph, I could not bring a single cell in my body to be happy for him. My entire reaction was just “…………..and WHY is this happening to us?”

Well, thanks for reading my uber emo post -_-